How to Connect with People

At the raw age of 18, I started my career as a professional hairstylist. Neither high school or beauty school had prepared me for this kind of people work. It was probably the worst choice an ultra-shy person like me could’ve made. Being so shy, I deliberately avoided speaking, let alone connecting, with people outside of my family and friends. Over the next four years, a terrible choice ended up being the best choice I made. I worked through my shyness by intimately practicing the most crucial skill no one told me I needed: How to connect with people. 

 

Hairstylists work so intimately with people. It’s a physical and emotional relationship. They can dictate whether the person in their chair will have a good day or bad one. That’s because our appearance is important. It impacts who we are and how we interact with the world. It’s magical to watch someone transform right in front of you. The way their whole demeanor alights like finally turning on the lights after the afternoon sun has disappeared. They stand up taller and catch glimpses of themselves in the mirror all with a smile curving their lips. 

 

Before the final reveal, there’s quite a bit of time in between. It was in this space I learned to talk to people. Well, more than talk. I learned to listen deeply, ask questions, find points of common interest, read what someone wasn’t saying, and, most importantly, remember what I learned about each person as if they were my friends. All of this helped me learn how to actually see someone. And nothing is more important to connection than really seeing someone for who they are.

 

Some of my clients did become my friends. They’d bring me lunch or a new book they thought I’d like or invite me to a play they were directing. The intense conversations I would have with people about literature, religion, math, current events, relationships, celebrities, music all became a joke amongst my coworkers. It was like micro-seminars in psychology, sociology, literature amongst the snip of scissors, roar of blow dryers, and chatter from others in the salon.

 

After a few years, I ended going away to college and stopped doing hair in the process. When I eventually graduated from the university, I began teaching freshman English classes at a few community colleges. While teaching, I learned another important (and my favorite) element of connection: Being able to laugh. 

 

At first, teaching was rough. I was young and thrown into a classroom with very little preparation or support. I was charged with the learning of 30+ people in each class. Frequently teaching 4-6 classes to make enough to live. It took some time before I realized that every element of connection that mattered with a client was just as relevant to each person in the classroom. Realizing this, I had a clear framework to become the teacher, the leader I’ve always wanted to be. 

 

Recently, one of my students even said, “We’re not doing anything fun, but we’re always laughing.” Being able to laugh can make someone feel comfortable and reveal your humanity as a leader. This is incredibly important to begin breaking down the inherent hierarchy in the teacher-student (and other power-incongruous) relationships. And laughing is just pleasant. Nothing beats having a good laugh with people you enjoy.

 

As a hairstylist, there wasn’t an obvious, or exaggerated, power imbalance like there is in the classroom or other leadership roles. Laughter was just a common output of a great conversation. I didn’t recognize it as a tool until the classroom. I’ve never been strict or loud or overpowering, but I am funny and have no problem laughing at myself. This combination became exactly the tool I needed to be able to connect more deeply and authentically with my students. 

 

Adding laughter to my arsenal, I’ve finally found the right mix of elements that allows me to be myself and the type of leader I want to be. I’m able to connect and enjoy who I am and the company of others. But I’m still learning. I’m learning how to enjoy the silence and give people a chance to find the right words. I’m learning I don’t always have to have something to say. I’m learning it’s okay if some things go unsaid. Because learning when not to speak can be just as important as finding the right words. 

 

As the world feels increasingly disconnected and just downright awful, I’ve been thinking a lot about connecting with others. People are all we have. Our life is built around a culmination of small to significant interactions with people we know and love and people we will meet once then never see again. Taking a moment to connect is an easy way to combat the spiral and isolation that is increasingly becoming our lives. These interactions have the potential to be significant. They have the potential to make someone’s day. And are become the antidote we need to bring folks together, to build community during these trying times.